Answers. And then Questions.

It's been one heck of a week (or two). In the beginning of June, I noticed that my vision in my left eye was suddenly worse than usual. I, believe it or not, actually called my doctor to check it out. It couldn't be corrected with lenses so he sent me to the ophthalmologist. The first doctor was baffled, so he had me come back the next day to see a one of his colleagues. Quite honestly, I wasn't that disturbed about it. I imagined that it was nothing, perhaps I was reading too much into it. The next day I had my Dad and the babies go with me since I'm not able to drive. My poor father was left alone in the waiting room with them. I laughed to myself as I heard this blood curdling screams while I was in my appointment. During my appointment, this doctor kept mumbling stuff to his nurse but never actually talked to me. He asked me if I had a neurologist (yes, that's an odd question). Well yes, I do and what of it? He asked me if I experienced pins and needles at all once a limb was not in an awkward position. Well, yes occasionally that happens, in fact just the other day. He still never told me why he was asking these questions. He leaves the room and I hear him outside the door talking to his nurse. I can't make out what they're talking about (and trust me, I was trying). She comes back in and tells me he wants an MRI of my brain and wants me to follow up with my neuro. Well that's an odd request when going to the eye doctor. Whatever, its probably nothing like usual. When I go out to the waiting room, I see my poor father walking a screaming baby around the waiting room and a nurse trying to soothe the other. They were all probably thinking, "And WHY did this woman bring her children here?!"

I'll admit, I put off my MRI. About three weeks later, I started experiencing more concerning symptoms: my hands and feet were feeling numb occasionally, pins and needles and I had vertigo. I decided to finally call my neurologist. He wanted to see me right away and get my MRI right away. The day after I got the MRI done I was home as usual during the day with Ben and Kyle. Around 1pm, my vertigo got so bad and my hands felt so weak I started panicking. I was so afraid I was going to drop one of them. My clumsiness was so bad I was falling into things around the house and couldn't walk in a straight line. Panic started to set in, so I called Bobby and asked if it was at all possible for him to come home; I just didn't feel safe taking care of the babies. I would never forgive myself if I bumped them or dropped them. While he couldn't, he sent Sue over. My hands were seizing up, typing seemed laborious and I found it difficult to open and close things. 

Quite honestly, I couldn't give a crap if I feel well or not. It was just this awful feeling that I wasn't quite capable of taking care of the babies that really disturbed me. They depend on me (and I, them). This all brought me back to about three years ago. After my epilepsy was diagnosed, I began experiencing strange symptoms. My joints felt as if they were seizing up and I had vertigo so badly that I sometimes would have to leave work. My neurologist tested me for lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, and Lyme disease. They all came back negative. Then as mysteriously as they came, they left. Frankly, I just thought perhaps I'm crazy and it's all in my head. Who knows, maybe it still is.

I anxiously waited for a call back from neuro that night. He wasn't in, but his partner called back. He wasn't familiar with me and told me it could be my medication even though I had been on it before and was completely side-effect free. He told me to reduce my daily amount and they would probably go away. I was seeing the neuro four days from them, so he could help diagnose this more accurately. Whew. Good. He's right. No need to get into a frenzy. 

Surprisingly, I listened to the doctor and dropped my dose down for the next few days. No change. Every time I would put my feet on the ground, they tingled. I was getting 'electric shocks' from my feet up and my hands up to my elbow. My face felt 'tight'. The vertigo came and went, came and went. 

Tuesday couldn't come sooner. As I was sitting in the appointment room, waiting for my doctor to come in, I suddenly became nervous. Not because I was afraid of any certain diagnosis, but more because I thought, "I'm probably overreacting and there will be nothing wrong like before. Why are you so stupid and at the doctor's again?". Dr. Somma came in and asked me why I had to have the MRI. I explained the eye doctor wanted it done. He asked me about my other symptoms. Once I told him, "Well, I feel pins and needles in my feet and hands.", he started asking more questions. Most of his questions, I answered yes to. He started to give me his regular neurological physical tests. Walk down the hall. Walk on your heels. Walk on your toes. Walk heel to toe. For the first time, walking heel to toe seemed incredibly difficult without losing my balance. I couldn't bear the weight of him pressing down on my right leg. Left leg seemed to work just fine. He checked my eyes. He asked me if when he touched me, it felt strange. When he touched the top of my foot, the bottom of my foot got its pins and needles. After he was finished, he looked at me and said, "I think you have MS." He told me that both the eye doctor and him suspected optic neuritis. With my other presenting symptoms, it seems highly likely that this is it. Wow. Wasn't quite expecting that. 

I love my doctor. Because as he's going on and on telling me that I'm going to go get bloodwork right now, and he wants an MRI of my spine, and we'll do a spinal tap next week he stops and asks, "Are you okay?" Mmhmm. "I know you're smiling, but that's your nature. Are you okay?" Mmhmm. He explained that while it may seem he's jumping the gun, it's important to start treatment early even while in the diagnosis period. 

I honestly was quite relieved. Finally, I may have a reason for these strange symptoms. I'm not the type of person to easily succumb to my ailments. If I have a sinus infection, a bad cold, an upset stomach you'll find me at work. I worked up until I delivered my twins. But these symptoms just seem to affect me. And it may mean I'm not crazy (well, maybe that's still so). 

I won't think too much about it now, not until my MRI comes back and we do the spinal tap. But I can't help but wonder, if I DO have MS and I do experience these flare-ups, how do I balance my duties as a working mother? I think it's only natural to wonder this. After all, there was a day last week that I didn't feel comfortable picking my babies up. I suppose we'll cross that bridge when we get to it, but I can't help but wonder. My poor little kiddos, I just welcome these beautiful little babies into the world and now it's possible I can't be EVERYTHING I wanted to be for them. There just may be times when I can't. While I know the majority of my time will be fine, not every day will be perfect. Then again, who does experience perfect day after perfect day? No one. And that's why this is no big deal. A minor inconvenience. 

If it's not MS, then he said we still need to search for an answer. 

Speaking of medical problems, Kyle had to go for an ultrasound this week on his hip. The pediatrician heard a faint clicking at his last appointment, so he wanted to make sure it wasn't pelvic dysplasia. My poor little guy DID NOT enjoy that yesterday. He screamed at the top of his lungs. And farted. A lot. Once we were out in the waiting room, he was back to his regular smiling self. They are just so cute these days, smiling at everyone who comes their way. Oddly enough, there was another set of twins in the waiting room. They were four months old and just nine pounds. The mother explained to me that they were only three pounds when born. The little girl was still on a feeding tub. After meeting them and their little boy and girl, I realized I had it good. Really good. We've been so blessed and so lucky. I hope the best for her little ones and am so thankful that I was lucky enough to deliver two healthy babies when they were at such risk. So many things had to go just right for these two little boys to show up with no problems, no issues. 

It is so important to count each and every blessing that comes your way because chances are, they outweigh the burdens. 

Our "Staycation"

I hate hype words like that. Although we had a vacation at home. Both Bobby and I (and the rest of Gebhardts) had a week off. Bobby actually had about 11 days off, but unfortunately he spent the first three days sick and in bed. I have to say, it will go down as one of my best weeks off. We kicked it all off with the Fourth of July. We went to Bobby's Aunt Val's house in Lenhartsville. Her and her husband have an absolutely gorgeous property. A creek runs behind her cottage, her garden is lush, and there are some very friendly cows nearby. They were having a clambake, so we drove down with Sue, Bob, Betsy, and Brynn complete with some blankets to lounge in the grass with. We spent the day enjoying the sun, the shade and the grass. We returned home to find a good spot to watch the fireworks. We decided on watching the Allentown fireworks and picked a nearby spot by a school. Bobby and I opened up the back of our van and sat there (yet another useful quality of our minivan) while the boys slept in their carseats. Believe it or not, they slept through each and every loud boom and explosion. They completely missed their first Fourth of July fireworks. 

The next day we went up to my Dad's for a Sunday meal. The weather was wonderful yet again and we enjoyed lunch with him, Claire, Sarah and Justin. Ben and Kyle enjoyed find the big fish in his pond and insisted that their sweet potatoes were the best food offerings. We decided on Monday to take a hike up at Columcille. I always find it so peaceful there. Bobby and I drove, missed the turn onto the correct route and took a slight detour through the Delaware Water Gap. Everything looked beautiful through there and I was envious watching the folks with their kayaks going down the river. We eventually got back to where we were supposed to be and took our walk through the woods at Columcille. The boys seemed to enjoy it and Emma really enjoyed it. We decided to take her since she was looking pretty depressed lately. 

My Grammy was up for the week from Hilton Head, so we went over to my Aunt Beth's on Tuesday to visit with her. It was her first time seeing Ben and Kyle. She looked great and it was so great to see her since she wasn't up for the holidays this past year. 

We were really looking forward to Wednesday since we were going to take our first trip to Knoebels for the season. Grammy Sue came along and it just proved to be such a great day! The weather couldn't have been better; it was cool and sunny. Ben and Kyle went on the train for the first time and loved the wind in their hair. They seemed a bit nervous when we passed through the tunnel, but other than that they were happy. We ate lots of food that was bad for us and did it happily. Bobby and I were able to ride the roller coasters while Grammy Sue sat with the boys. It was just such a great day. We also love driving up there and looking at all of the dilapidated coal towns. 

Thursday we went to go see my Grammy again after we ran some errands. Afterwards, we had a great dinner, thanks to Bobby. After the boys were in bed, Bobby and I just had such a nice time sitting at the kitchen table, finishing our wine, and talking. It was just so relaxing. 

We had our plans to go to NYC on Friday through Saturday, so Friday morning was a bustle. I had to finish up some things for work, so after we fed the boys in the morning, I went to work and hurried back home to start packing. Long gone are the days of heading to see some friends for the weekend and brining just a backpack full of clothes. I had to make quite the impressive list: both playpens, bumbos, clothes, bottles, food, spoons, blankets, diapers, wipes, etc. We were going to see our friends Dan and Lauren in Brooklyn. Of course, once I got there I realized I forgot the most important thing: formula. We had a nice dinner in their backyard and the boys slept through the night while on the road. The next day we took a walk down to Prospect Park and laid under the big trees. 

After returning home, it dawned on us that our week was nearly over. Sunday called for a swim. We walked down to the Fountain Hill pool and had our first swim. We bought Ben and Kyle floaties that they could sit in while we dragged them around the pool. Their initial shock at the coldness of the water produced a few cries, but once they got used to the water, they just lounged. They then took a good nap once out of the water. Bobby left to go get dinner, while Grammy Sue and I took the boys into the water one more time. Once we got home, we sat out on the deck, enjoyed the wonderful air, and ate the great dinner Bobby prepared for us. 

It was a good vacation indeed.

Choices, fears, complaints, etc.

Tiredness is a state of mind. You don't have to succumb to it, you choose to. This week has been so rough. Bobby has been so incredibly sick all week with his temperature reaching 102 degrees for three days in a row, work has been relentless even though I'm supposed to be off, and of course my little boys need me. Terrible thoughts run through my mind such as, fake being sick. Wouldn't that be great if I had to be waited on hand and foot? I suppose infants can't really do household chores...

Is there pleasure in taking care of everyone and making sure that everything still gets done, your emails are answered, you go in to work so that everyone can get into the building? Sure. It helps boost my ego. I can do it all and then I can complain that I'm doing it all so that everyone will feel bad for me. I know that many people think of motherhood as a selfless act, but let's be honest. Most mothers get a cheap thrill out of it. It's a part of them that I'm sure is something that most of us wouldn't admit in public, but we like telling everyone how run down we are, how tired we are, how selfless we really are. And of course we actually are, but there's the joy in letting others know. 

I have always had a serious disdain for people who complain at work, shrug off work, or grumble when things are asked to get done. Or when peers make the choice to work hard, take on the biggest projects, and then whine about it all. 

I read in the Wall Street Journal the other day that most people exaggerate how much they work. When I thought about this, it's true. So many people will say to you, I worked 60 hours this week, I'm exhausted. If you checked the actual amount of time they worked, it might hit 40 hours. So why do people lie? They aren't lying to their employers, they are lying to their friends or family. They aren't sneaking out of the house. It seems like a purposeless lie. I know exactly why they lie about it. It's a competition. Who works the hardest, who is the most tired, who needs a vacation the most. This is what drives the American workforce. It isn't right or healthy and damages many a relationship. It's so selfish under the facade that they are completely selfless.

Mothers do the same. Who has to take care of more kids, who has been up the longest, who has done the most laundry, etc. This causes us to reflect on what we've done at home and somehow think we are inferior. We only have one or two children, we got a good night's sleep, and there hasn't been that much laundry this week. If motherhood was such an awful endeavor, no one would choose to do this. We would all stick to our overcompensated jobs and swear it off. So there must be a joy. A joy apart from the 'tired' competition. And tired it is. If we could all stop complaining in order to win the race, we would see the light. We would see what a wonderful gift we've been given. 

It must be understood that in no way am I inferring I do not do the same. I often find myself rattling off the list of things that have destroyed my plan for the day to Bobby. Or telling others how exhausting it is and motherhood is the hardest thing I've ever done. And while that's true, why do I feel the need to give an exhaustive list to everyone so that they know what they now owe me? I like the cheap thrill of being the best; being the best at the worst chores of the day. 

Instead of giving this laundry list of things I've done and dealt with, perhaps I should accept that's a part of life and not a large part. Those are just mundane chores and actions. Instead, I should revel in my children, my husband, my life. It's important to remind myself of this each and every day. Otherwise, twenty years will pass and I'll wonder why I never took a moment to just enjoy and wonder why everyone thought it was so difficult for me. I will realize that I spent the majority of the first half of my life complaining. Just complaining. Children complain, adults turn their sorrows into something better than just a whine. They help their children find what defines them, they pour their soul into something meaningful, they search for something deeper than the daily complaint. 

My favorite read of all time is Atlas Shrugged. Some people may hate me for that considering it's a capitalist manifesto; however there is a much more basic undertone to the entire book. The ability of one's self, recognizing that each person has an ego, feels the need to create something, and doesn't ever whine about their choices and doesn't let others destroy that for them. It's all about the choices we make in life and embracing them. Living them out to the fullest extent. Just as I made a choice to learn and love numbers I also made the choice to be a mother. And what a wonderful choice it was! 

Maybe this was a pointless ramble or perhaps it's the truth. 

What is this?

I don't know why, but I'm having an extremely hard time thinking. Well, constructive thinking. I know that I'm still able to blink, swallow and move so my basics are down pat. I used to be so smart. Now, what seems all of a sudden, I am having a hard time thinking through problems at work associated with numbers (and numbers is my thing, so this is upsetting). 

I am also not quick witted like I used to be. I'm known for my sarcastic sense of humor and ability to take one thought and quickly turn it into another. 

I'm just upset about all of this. I've made too many mistakes. I'm dull. And it's causing me to blame everyone else. It must be their fault.