Saturday, June 20, 2009

A Fair Trade

It's raining outside. Apparently, it's rained here for 40 days. I don't mind, I find it calming. Whenever it rains I feel calm, at peace, and connected. So I suppose that means I've been 'connected' for 40 days. I love the transitive property...

It seems that the rain allows you just to think. It keeps you from going here and there, doing chores outside of the house, and having a jam-packed schedule full of this and that. It reminds of winter and thus I love it. I do not appreciate the summer. Most people love the summer. It reminds them of life and relate it to all of the good things that it's all about. Spring is usually a close second. Many people find autumn depressing, a sign of the death and decay to come. Maybe they see it as a metaphor for life. And then winter is the ultimate chill. They find there is no reason to experience it when all things around them that were once bright, fragrant, and full of life are now dead, or at least in hibernation. 

But I'm a different breed. I guess I'm a bit of an introvert; I love to be introspective. Most people would say the opposite of me: I'm extroverted, loud, and egotistical. The extroversion is a cover, the loudness is to hide the desire for quiet and the ego is simply misunderstood. I can find my roots in the quiet, in the hibernation, in the peace. The music that once ruled my life can by played, the quiet sounds of the piano will come to life, and my passions fill my head and my soul. I suppose this means that in the quiet, in the 'dead', I find life. 

I've never much cared for a room full of people talking over each other. What is often mistaken for being agreeable, is really just me wanting 'the quiet'. I have always had a hard time revealing myself to others. Often I will beat myself up in my solitude for saying exactly the opposite of how I actually feel. The only person I trust with me, is well, myself. I trust Bobby 98% with me, but I still think that there might be 2% that would disgust him. But every person needs just a little, tiny corner of themselves that they keep for themselves. 

There is too much in my head. And by this, I don't mean smarts. There is so much to think about, how will I ever find the time to sort it all out? I have always felt so...   different. I constantly wonder what other people think. Do they do the same as I do? Do they talk loudly in public only to go home and be themselves? Do their hearts race when they smell something that takes them to another time? Do their passions return when they hear a certain sound? Do they feel the ever-increasing desire to be so desperately close to someone else even though they already are? I don't know, I suppose that's for them to keep to themselves. I could get lost in my own thoughts for hours. 

But now I have to share. It's my responsibility to share all of this with my children. Teach them the way that I am, who I am, why I am. Lately I've been thinking about how people irreversibly change once they have children. But why? Why can't we just grow who we already are? What's so wrong with who we were before? Can't we just expand and perfect what's there already? I intend to do this. Success is another thing. If my children understand me and know me, I hope that they don't feel lost. If their mother bares her soul they will know that they can do the same. Perhaps I will have to let go of the quiet for I don't think I will ever again truly have it. That's okay with me; I'll be getting plenty in exchange. 


Crystal Mwingira said...

wow. that touched me.
i feel exactly the same way.
its like you took the thoughts out of my head. great post.

Tammy said...

thank you!

Anonymous said...

Tammy, Your loving qwords will live on forever, and encourage people to keep going when all seems to be done.