Tuesday, June 2, 2009

Approaching the 4 month Mark ..

I'm happy to report that we are sleeping through the night. About two weeks ago, Bobby and I decided that we would have to cut the cord and send them off to their nursery. I have agonized over this since they were born, mostly because they just made me feel safe being in our room (that, and I didn't have to walk very far when they screamed in the middle of the night). We split them up, one in each crib, and tip-toed out of the room. While I was wiping away tears that they were so big (yes, a whole three months old ... pathetic mommy), we realized that they were not crying for us. Perhaps this whole time they were annoyed by us. Maybe they really hated having to hear us snore and roll over in the middle of the night. They have now started to sleep from nine to six. Don't call it a pattern.

Throughout this, I've started to ease back into work. I'm doing this from home, which may sound easy but surely isn't. It was really a decision based on economics, so it works the best for us. The first day I decided to do some work, I set up my laptop, my adding machine, all of my papers, a cup of coffee and was set to work. Until about five minutes later when someone screamed to be fed. And then the other one. And then they were awake and were fairly mad Mom thought it would be a good idea to sleep again. So my work sat there while I did the important job: Mom. When Bobby leaves in the morning, the day becomes a whirlwind. I instantly go to the kitchen, wash all of the bottles, wipe down the kitchen as I'm incredibly paranoid that malaria may be incubating somewhere, make my coffee, clean up my coffee table, and check on the babies. I take an hour break there while the babies nap to catch up on my guilty pleasure: the internet. After that it's feedings, cleaning, work, feedings, diapers, dogs, gardening .... and sometimes I get to go to the bathroom (although, quite honestly I forget about it). 

I think I've said this before, but before the boys were born I very optimistically thought that I could do it all. I wasn't so far off, I can do most of it, maybe subpar. While I often wish I had done more or fit in something else, I am overall satisfied with my abilities at this point. I will not beat myself up, I will not self deprecate. Oddly enough, when I do my work, it doesn't stress me out. It actually feels like a vice I'm able to indulge in. Remember that bad relationship? It still works like that. When others aren't watching (my babies) I phone up that bad boy (my work) and go spend a few thrilling hours with him. He still finds me attractive and knows I'm such a sucker.  

On a completely self-centered note, I've decided to start a diet. A diet. Did you ever notice that the word "die" makes up three quarters of that hideous word? Not only is this diet insulting my tastes for food, but it is also insulting my pocketbook. No wonder half of America is overweight, it's actually cheaper to eat like a pig (which is incredibly counter-intuitive). But I'm optimistic, looking forward to this with glee. In two months I will be Giselle Bundchen. I will be walking down the beach in my bikini with my two little boys, and agents and photographers alike will flock to me asking, "Please, come work with us!" to which I will say, "I am just simply too busy". And then I wake up ...

I was going through my closet, desperately trying to find something that fit and I picked up a pair of jeans I wore three years ago. They were a size 6. I don't even now what inspired me to try and put these on, I knew it would be a failing battle, but I did anyway. I couldn't even get them over my hips. The sad thing is, when I was this size 6 (which I doubt I ever will be again), I didn't even appreciate it. I always thought I was too big; something could change here or there. I want to go back in time and smack that girl! 

But enough about me, let's talk about something so much better. Benjamin and Kyle are changing every day. They amaze me with their budding personalities and baby wit. Benjamin certainly has his father's personality: he's independent, reserved, and even cries softly. While Kyle has mine, or as my wonderful husband put it, "he's loud, funny, and obnoxious". Hmm ... 

Ben smiles sweetly and you just know his little heart is filled with love for you. He could sit and lay with you all day and never fuss about it. He's always talking about something, usually a 'girrrl'. And then there's the rolling. I try so hard to give them enough 'tummy time', but my Ben just flips over as soon as I put him down. He finds his tummy insufferable and will not stand for it. As soon as he rolls over, he smiles with glee and you can tell he's very proud of himself. 

Kyle is a little comedian. He's smiles wide and then bashes his head down, as if he's waiting for your response. He also demands that you entertain him at all times. He will not tolerate just 'sitting'. You better be singing, talking, or doing something for this child. 

Twins also talk to each other, even as young as they are. When faced with each other, they babble on and on and gaze lovingly at each other. Or they hit each other in the face. It is amazing how they always seem to be holding on to each other. It almost makes you jealous. There are so few people (excluding twins) who are born into this world with such an immediate connection to someone else. They will always have each other and since they're genetically identical, I'm assuming they'll be able to deeply know each other. It will be a true test of nature over nurture, which I confess I wonder about all of the time. Because of my already preconceived notions on who they are, I already am parenting them differently. I worry about this constantly, but I just can't stop myself. I'm sure parenting experts (is there such a thing?) would love to tell me exactly what I'm doing wrong, but I think I'll just let it play out naturally.

And now I must go because the morning nap is done.

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